this is my blog, where i write stuff! rants, vents, and other things. trigger warning because i talk about my mental health and... triggering stuff.
19/11/2025 (DD/MM/YY)
whole bunch of stuff happened yesterday... who would've thought that this freaking blog could actually bring good things into my life...
* most of you guys (the friends who read this blog) know i've been a hopeless romantic my Whole life. just searching and searching and searching for my person... and, last night, it seems my dreams have come true.
hi sweetie. i know you're reading this. i thank the lord every single day for bringing you into my life. we might have met in a random place, at a random time, but i honestly think it was fate. it feels like i was made to be your friend, and now... well, y'know. heh. wiggles my eyebrows. actually wait are we a fishel. blushing emoji
* health problems have been getting better... i have the feeling everything will be okay for a while.
* also, new seildirectory community post! hooray! and i think that's pretty much it. thanks for tuning in chat
18/11/2025 (DD/MM/YY)
i lied. i still love him SO MUCH. my heart beats for him and it's VERY painful trying to pretend it doesn't. i'm tired of pretending that i don't live for him.
i was so happy. i couldn't sleep because i was busy thinking of him. maybe i don't really love him, maybe i'm desperate enough that i will fall in love with every single person that treats me nicely.
i pray and i pray and i pray and i pray and i pray but, lord, why wont you listen? am i asking for too much when i plead for someone to love me back?
i hate this. i hate this and i hate him and i cant do anything about it and i feel horrible because everything i try to do is useless. he just doesn't love me like i love him. his heart will never be mine and it sucks. what will i do when he leaves like everyone? i don't think i will be able to go on.
i'm moonstruck. maybe i truly am dying alone.
17/11/2025 (DD/MM/YY)
starting off strong: i just went through the worst week of my life!
* i relapsed the other day, which is a shame because i had not hurt myself since september. it didnt sting as much as last time. which is good, i think??
* had my first breakdown in months. it was like 2 am and i was bawling my eyes out, tearing my hair out and just... trying to hurt myself. good thing is i didnt try to kill myself this time haha #amirite lads. laugh guys its funny.
* i can barely eat. everything just looks... gross to me. i look gross. i am gross. but i force myself to eat, because i really dont want to start throwing up at the smell of food.
* my memory seems to be full. it's scary. i have to write everything down, because if i don't, i forget. i have to look in the mirror everyday just so i don't forget what i look like. and everyday, it feels like i am staring at a stranger.
* i've been seeing things more frequently. people outside my window, eyes staring at me from the wall, and little things that keep me on edge. my own brain is a bit traitorous
* all my friendships have been growing distant. i'm sick of being the only one who makes the effort to talk to them. and i still love them, i truly do, but it feels like they don't love me back. plus, texting people feels like a chore now. hanging out with friends doesn't bring me the same happiness it did.
---* but, there still are good things. such as the other day, when i hung out with my friend. it was so much fun, even if we only talked for a bit. i couldn't stop laughing. he makes me happy. i hope i make him happy too
* not talking with people also gave me a lot of free time, which i have been using to play the games i love and to draw. i think i'm getting better.
* spent more time with my mom, too. she can be a good parent when she wants. we watched shows and movies and talked about a lot of stuff.
* i also got over my crushes. it still stings, knowing that i never had a chance with them, but it's for the best!
10/11/2025 (DD/MM/YY)
i love him. i love him a lot
but this feeling isn't reciprocated. and i hate it. i hope he notices, someday, that we could have been so much more. maybe not romantic partners, but not best friends. something somewhere in the middle.
my heart gets shredded to pieces everytime he talks about anyone else. and yet, i have to be okay with it, because i could not live without him. he is the only person worthy of my attention.
i think about him a lot. every single second he fills my thoughts. this is not healthy, but i do not know how to stop it.
i wonder if he thinks about me. i wonder if he feels the same way towards me.
8/11/2025 (DD/MM/YY) (wrote this during an episode sooo. yup)
i hate being a human so much. i hate living, i hate feeling, both things and emotions. i hate the pain, the memories which i can barely remember.
and yet, i pray and pray for someone to make me feel joy. someone who i can touch, who i can look in the eye, who i can hug when i need to. but he never gives me what i want. he never has. and i'm starting to think that he never will.
i don't want to keep living a life of loneliness. maybe if someone comes into my life, someone who truly loves me, maybe i will see the sun again.
but until then, please lord. i don't want to be alone. i am so afraid of dying this way.
made this with 0 knowledge in coding, will be updating once i learn!